Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Well THAT was unexpected

I'm about to put it ALL out there.  Please don't be mean (or judge) - we all have skeletons and things we can't control.  However, we all also have the opportunity to learn from those if we so choose.  And while these are my skeletons, they are also a big part of what has made me the person I am today.  I'd also like to say that this is not a "woe is me" type of post and, although, it could most certainly be read that way, this is not how it's intended.  I'm simply telling part of my story - the good with the bad.  That is all.

Last Thursday morning I received a phone call - one that would rock my world far harder than I'd ever imagined.  My father had passed away the night before.  If we had anything that resembled a "normal" relationship then I would have expected to be a complete wreck over this news.  We, however, definitely did NOT have a "normal" relationship...or really any relationship at all for that matter.

You see, my father made some very poor decisions throughout his 51 years (yeah, my parents were babies when they got married and had me) on this earth and because of those decisions I made the choice years ago that he had lost the opportunity to be a part of my life.  For most all of my life he was either in prison or on the run because of drugs or other petty crimes (I'm not discounting his crimes by any means, but he wasn't a hard-core criminal - he harmed himself, but as far as I know he never did anything to harm other people.  Not really sure why I feel the need to explain that, but I do).  Honestly, I don't know all of the details - I just know what I've been told by others, but I've been told by many that he wasn't a bad person.  He had lots of demons that he could never escape.  And while that may be true, I decided long ago that until those demons were under control I didn't want him to be a part of my life.  Because if I had followed that same logic with my own life, then chances are I wouldn't be the person I am today - just sayin'.  Right or wrong this was the decision I made and the decision I will now have to live with forever.  I'll never get the chance to know if we could ever have a somewhat "normal" relationship or if he was ever able to overcome the demons in his life.   I'll never know for sure and I think that's one of the things that upsets me most.  That and the fact that he probably died thinking that his only child hated him.

Not that it matters anymore, but I didn't hate him.  I was extremely disappointed in and ashamed of him, yes, but I didn't hate him.  Other than never being an actual father to me over my almost 30 years of life, he never harmed me in any way and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he did love me.  That love just wasn't enough to keep him out of trouble. 

A couple of years ago during one of his many stints in prison he tried to contact me, but I wasn't ready to trust him yet so I turned him away again.  I didn't trust that he had changed this time like he claimed.  I've found out things over the past weekend that make me think he may have finally been on the right path, so now I question that decision and find myself wishing that I could go back and at least give him the benefit of the doubt if even for just a few minutes so I could know for sure.  Clearly I can't so I'm left wondering.  I've been through a lot in my life, but this by far is the most difficult situation I think I've ever found myself involved with.  Quite honestly, it sucks.  Plain and simple. 

The only good thing I have been about to get out of it is the hope that I learned a difficult lesson.  And that?  Forgive while you have the chance because tomorrow that chance may be gone.

Now, that I've gotten to this point - I'm not 100% sure of where I was going with this or even why I'm choosing to share it, but I am.  So there it is - my father died and I'm way more upset about it that I ever thought possible and unfortunately there's not a darn thing I can do to change the path that brought me here.



Melissa said...

So sorry to hear this, Amber! I can't imagine the way you feel or what you are going through, but just know that I'm thinking about you!

LG said...

Oh I know that was a hard post but I hope it helped you some to get it out. I have a similar situation with a grandparent so I can understand how weird it is. Mine died before I had fenn, but ( and I will elaborate on this in person) I think you made the best decision for you and your family. You would never want to take any risks with little abby and you didn't! You kept her safe, and unfortch you now are hurting from that decision. I am really sorry for your loss, and your possible regrets but be strong girl. you did the right thing! I hope time will ease your burden . Thinking of you xoxoxo

Laura @ My Thoughts-Uninterrupted said...

So very sorry for your loss and the circumstances. I'll be praying for you. I know the "what if's?" can be tough.

Stephanie said...

So sorry to hear this. I can't imagine how hard this is and I'm sure there are a lot of what if's. Praying for you girl.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry, Amber. Thank you for sharing it with us, though. I will keep you in my prayers. I hope you can find some sort of peace from this situation. I know the "what if" questions are inevitable, but you can't live in the past...only move forward and trust that that decision, at that time, was the right one. *hugs*